Alone at the Altar

This Saturday I was supposed to be getting married ... yes please let that sink in. Let's skip the fluff this evening and get right into it; this upcoming Saturday on the twenty-third day of the ninth month of the year of two thousand seventeen I was supposed to be walking down the aisle saying "I Do". 

For some odd reason, I have always said my husband will be a Marine. There was just something about those Marine Corpsmen that I fancied God Bless America! I had dated a Marine in the past but this time it seemed like this was the one. I guess you can say I had a type tall, dark and decorated this would be my husband. I did everything I thought was supposed to do we found a place I made a home, I cooked, I cleaned, I tried to always keep myself up; stay sexy, stay beautiful, what could I do to keep him intrigued? was always a thought in the back of my head. I basically manipulated my life into a cookie cutter image of what I found to be perfect. Wow, a guy that loves me who rubs my back before bed, or runs my bath water after a long day at work, that runs to Starbucks at 10'oclock at night because I want a caramel coconut milk iced macchiato.

He proposed! you couldn't tell me nothing... I was about to be somebodies wife in the coming months. My mother spent thousands we had the church, the dress, the 14 people in our wedding party, the venue, the DJ, the catering, the hair, you name it mom bought it. Nothing was too good for her daughters special day. Planning that wedding was one of the most stressful things I have ever done; I had a wedding planner who was wonderful (I Love youHeather) but the whole thing was a mess. I had bridesmaids not getting along, vendors not acting right, groomsmen cutting up, family feeling left out. The wedding was a mess; the whole time I'm praying to God like "Lord why is nothing working out?  like, Lord, I am getting married we ain't shackin' no more! why are you not blessing me? where is all this favor? why is this not working out?" (By the way I talk to the Lord regular). I heard nothing. Still trying to make everything perfect just putting more and more lipstick on that pig. 

Everything came to a head a few months back when my then fiance' not only told me he had cheated with multiple women but also that he had had a child outside of our relationship. I felt crushed, I felt devastated, I felt abandoned, betrayed, I felt so exposed, so broken. I felt humiliated having to go tell vendors, family, and friends that on September 23rd, 2017 there will be no marriage. I felt lost. 

In my ignorance, it seems that I had fallen in love with a fantasy. I wanted to be a wife, I wanted to be a mother (eventually)  I wanted me me me! I manipulated my life to fit the fantasy I had created. Marine check, engagement ring check I created this list, not God I did it on my own. I never stopped to ask God what is your will for this situation?; I never stopped to ask God what is your will for my life father?  But we serve a good God my heavenly father is so good because through it all he was still there. The great thing about my father is that he lets us have our way; he gives us free will. Even though I was making my own plans the Lord already had plans he says in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and, not harm you plans to give you hope and a future. 

Did you read that? plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Even though the pain is real the emotions are real, the breakup was real, the calling off the wedding was real, the money spent was real, the disappointment was real - God said in his word he knows the plans he has for me. So I submit, let your will be done in my life Abba Father; your thoughts are not my thoughts your ways are higher than my ways father (Isaiah 55:8-9). I don't want to to be like the Israelites Lord wandering around for 40 years before reaching the promise land I submit to your will and your way Father.

I have gone back and forth all day about whether I was going to write this post or not; I didn't even know what to say. Even tonight at bible study my Apostle asked me how my blog was coming along and I told her "I don't write anything if I don't have anything to say". That is true but this is not the time to be silent; me not being open about my journey would be a disservice to those needing to really hear it. See in this season God is not allowing me to hide; I want to hide so bad.  I want to continue to smile, and look cute and say everything is ok when it's not; That is what I want but that is not what God wants, that is not his will for my life. So please I challenge to tear up your mental to-do list for your life and really ask God what is your will for my life Lord, what are your plans?

 Please continue to walk with me as I walk with him. 

- Daughter of a King