Sis, Take Several Seats.

Have you ever been in a place where you feel like you have been pulled every which way? Everyone connected to you just needs something; you look at your phone there’s a text “hey can you do me a favor?”, answer your phone “I need help”, reading your email “can you meet this deadline for this special project?” from home to work; and everything in between is pulling you in different directions. It is so easy to say yes, I understand you don’t want to let anyone down, or offend anyone so you give a yes as an autopiloted response. I am going to be transparent with you all personally I have been that person that will run myself into the ground going out of my way to do someone a favor. I used to think that I was just and nice person, a giver and that is true I am a nice person I am a giver but I was also a people pleaser. I was always trying to be someone's point guard, quarterback, or superhero.

 People-pleasing is associated with a personality trait known as sociotropy, yes y’all there is a science behind this whole thing (stay with me).  Sociotropy is characterized as an excessive investment in interpersonal relationships, persons who have this personality trait have the tendency to place an inordinate value on relationships over personal independence.

People-pleasers are highly attuned to others and are often seen as agreeable, helpful, and kind. However, people-pleasers may have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lead to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect (Kaufman Jauk 2020).  

Let’s take a second for a moment of self-reflection, ask yourself am I a people pleaser? Here are some signs that you just might be a people pleaser :

• You have a difficult time saying "No."
• You are preoccupied with what other people might think.
• You feel guilty when you do tell people “No."
• You fear that turning people down will make them think you are mean or selfish.
• You agree to things you don’t like or do things you don’t want to do.
• You struggle with feelings of low self-esteem.
• You want people to like you and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval.
• You’re always telling people you’re sorry.

The driving force of people-pleasing starts with insecure areas of your heart. (wooooo y’all this is deep!!!!)  People pleasing becomes further chained by the fear of man and the fear of conflict.

Medium.com described people-pleasing as the epidemic of the 21^st century. I know personally people will ask me to do things for them because I am a perfectionist, I like things to look and be a certain way, and in asking me to do things people know what has been asked of me going to be done in excellence. The problem with that is people will pass over someone more available to help them in that moment to ask me to take care of a task when they could have asked someone else. 

For me, the way that I am wired I would literally feel remorse, and anxiety when I would tell someone no. The remorse would come from me thinking to myself I should have gone out of my way to do what has been asked of me, and anxiety because I really did not want to do or did not have time to do what was asked of me because I wouldn’t have time for my original tasks which would lead me to a level of frustration. The frustration I would feel would lead to conflict with the person I told no because now that I feel bad for saying no  I am now going against my better judgment now giving that person a yes trying to help but in my heart of hearts I honestly did not want to help them in the first place *exhales*. Y’all this is a lot to unpack… and that’s ok.

People pleasing can cause burnout, let me say that again people please WILL eventually cause burnout. You can not be everything for everyone, you cannot be everywhere for everything. I had to eventually tell myself, Sis, take serval seats. I had to get out of feeling bad for telling someone no.

Maybe you are reading this and have identified some of these traits within yourself;  it is ok let’s take steps to move in a different direction. Not everything has to be a no but there are ways to protect yourself and make healthy decisions. First, you must not have a fear of conflict; conflict happens sometimes it is a part of life. You do not have to be nasty when telling someone no, you don’t even have to really give an explanation (unless you feel like it) but in telling someone no you must not be afraid of that person’s response to your decision. 

You must be mindful because people-pleasing can birth a form of idolatry in your life. Exodus 20:3 God clearly states in the Ten Commandments  “You shall have no other gods before me”. You have made this person (intentionally or unintentionally) and their opinion of you a God in your world negating what is most important is what God truly thinks about you. Get out of feeling guilty, it is not the end of the world you must untangle your feelings of guilt surrounding your decision, you know what your schedule looks like, you know how you are feeling do not push yourself past your limits. 

Set boundaries and realize that you are not being selfish, if staying up late listening to someone else problem is emotionally draining you send a simple text back letting the person know 'hey now is not a good time, I will call you later'. If you are asked to cook a holiday meal and you have so many other things to do in addition to you will be so tired you won't be able to enjoy dinner with the family; it is ok buy some of the items from the store, reach out to other family members to contribute in cooking. Invest in reciprocal relationships do not be in a relationship with someone for the mere fact of what can I get out of this but show up for those who show up for you. All healthy relationships are circular in some form help, build, and push those who are doing the same for you.

I implore you to let your yes be yes, and no be no but, in all things, come in peace, say it in kindness, and do it with joy. Take this post as a moment to release your fear of the thoughts of others, and conflict, the heaviness from guilt, Look at today as day 1 of many that you will guard your heart, preserve your health, and reserve your time.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

~ Tameka

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Kaufman SB, Jauk E. Healthy selfishness and pathological altruism: Measuring two paradoxical forms of selfishness. Front Psychol. 2020;0. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01006