Falling in LOVE ... or just Falling ?

   As a 90's baby the whole prince and princess storyline I got it down pat. Remember Snow White how the prince woke her up with a mear kiss on the lips, or Cinderella how her missing glass slipper was found and replaced by the handsome prince who sweeps her her off her feet. I as I grew in age I would graduate from channel to channel what started as Dinsey movies and turned into Helga worshiping a shrine of her football headed love on Hey Arnold, to then watching Steve Urkel profess his love to Laura, to  staying up late watching endless marathons of Will chasing all the "hunnies" on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. 
  Love was looks I was inadvertently programmed from a young age to believe that was what love was.  I mean why else did Helga love Arnold, or Cinderella love Prince Charming?; I never once watched an episode of  Fresh Prince and heard Will Smith saying "Dang I love that girl's intellectual abilities!". Each of the characters I grew to love during my childhood was in love with the looks. I know you are reading this and are like this girl is looking too deep into it, I am telling you I am not.

  From since I can remember I have been spoon feeding my heart these fantasies, storing them in my mental vault to replay over and over in the back of my head waiting for a boy to call me beautiful. I really did not have... scratch that I did not have the guidance while growing up to say that is not real; that you should be found beautiful for your thoughts or actions and not your looks. So because he "loves" my smile, or the size of my chest, or the way my legs look in those heels with that dress I found stuff to "love" him for like his bald head and beard, his style, or the way his arms looked like he did a million push-ups before he put on that shirt. And because "he" loved me I laid with him, to show him I loved him back. I was for sure that was the way to ultimately show my love, I mean I'm sure that's just the part they cut out on TV but it happened right? Will chased the girls he "loved" and he had sex with them because they loved him back? That's what happened right?

It's all love until he falls in love with another girl and now he loves her not you; it's all love until your name slowly changes from hunnie, baby, sweetie pie to dumb bitch. It's all love until you get pregnant, and you told your parents but he is hiding it from his. It's all love, until you gain 50+ pounds of baby weight and your face is all broken out because your hormones are out of control. It's all love until he raises his fist to hit you, it's all love until you have to decide who is going to pay for your child to be cremated its all love... Right?

I have been going to church for years, but I never showed up I sat there sunday after sunday and never heard a word that was said. This whole time I thought I was falling in love, but I wasn't I was just falling. I was falling harder, and harder into sin I was breaking my Fathers heart. But my Heavenly Father loved me enough to allow me to make my own decisions. At 26 years of age, I am just now understanding what love is through my journey with Christ. My journey, my hunger, my need, my thirst I want to know what love is through the eyes of my Heavenly Father. My Fathers love for me is not based on looks or lust it's not contingent on my feelings towards him, his love for me is unconditional. I have sinned I am not perfect at all. I feel like I am that white dress that has been dragged through the mud but God loved me enough to give his only son Jesus to die on the cross to shed his blood for me (John 3:16) to take this muddy white dress and wash it in the blood and wash away all the mud, all the hurt, all the shame, all the sin and make it white as snow. 

Gods love never fails, it is unconditional, it is holy, it always listens it never ignores, it never acts out of anger, it never lets you down, it forgives, it doesn't hold grudges, or keeps score, it is patience, it is kind,  it is hard, to sum up in words but it has no limits. I thank God for never taking his love from me, for not putting a used sign, or damaged good sign on me for cleaning me up, putting the broken pieces back together and just loving me.
Please continue to walk with me as I walk with him.

-Daughter of a King 









Comments

  1. Pastor Karen Bettis-DavisOctober 3, 2017 at 3:22 AM

    I admire your bravery daughter and I couldn't be more proud!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownOctober 3, 2017 at 2:07 PM

    Enjoyed your post and the reality of love in a fallen world. Keep going forward, keep writing.

    ReplyDelete

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